Feeling better..

Mom actually sent H money to help out with her rent this month.  I do believe that my ‘good’ brother called her and said – hey stop putting Mike and his fiance first – force them to do it at least partially on their own and help out H.  She really needs it right now – Mike doesn’t.  She actually sent almost $1000 as a gift to help out with buying a new wardrobe and pay her rent.  I think that mom is finally beginning to realize that in her desparation to not be lonely – she is causing N and I to feel very ignored.  Mike can and should support himself, at least contribute something monetary to supporting the household.  Mom should not be supporting my brother, his fiance, and his two boys 17 and 15.  It is silly for her at 73 still working to do that.  At some point in time, Mike has to grow up and he won’t do it if mom doesn’t force him to do so. 

On the money front, I finally conned my company to allow me to take out a loan on my 401K to help pay some of the medical bills for H until her medicad kicks in soon.  That is a relief.  I just hated to contact credit card companies, my mortgag holder, etc. of what was going on, but I would miss payment if I didn’t.  They have all made arrangements for me.

 H is working now and doing ok.  The steriods are causing her to fill out a bit – okay – alot, but she is healthy and that is all I need.  My skinny short daughter is now not so short and is filling out from the overly skinny kid.  Her hair is growing out and she is feeling better.  H is still on restriction from using a straw.  Apparently that puts a good deal of stress on your face including the nasal passages.  Amazing how something so simple can really be so destructive.  Think about how hard it is…  I never thought about it before.  She has learned to ask for a second cup when she orders a drink to go since otherwise she will be wearing her drink!  She has a great attitude and that is what counts.

My Toastmasters conference is over.  It was fun and nice to only have to worry about a single 45 minute educational session presentation as opposed to running the darned thing.  As usual, our top 3 is a bit unorganized.  At least one of them keeps things going, but she has her nose where it doesn’t belong.  I thought it was just me, but apparently others are complaining about the same thing.  In terms of covering for the other 2 she doesn’t really have a choice, but she should let her area governors and division governors do their jobs without interference. I don’t mind telling her to leave my AGs alone, but I am apparently the exception.  Oh well… it is over and we had a good time.  The presentation went very, very well and M, T, D, C and I enjoyed the conference.  D drove the 4 of us women.  The mini van was packed.  His room with a king bed was huge and ours with 2 doubles was tiny.  You should have seen us decide the order we would get ready in the morning.  We all had to be at the DEC breakfast at 6:30 so we were up pretty early.  D just laughed at us.  The way home the van was fuller since D won the District Toastmaster of the year (well deserved I might add).  My dear H was recognized with a Governors Appreciation for Special District Dedication.  As a 21 year old she worked her behind off as chair of the spring confernce and coordinator of our Toastmaster Leadership Institute.  She didn’t come because she knew she would be really tired and her boyfriends birthday was Saturday.  Not that he would be upset, but this is the first birthday the they have been together in the last 3 years (the broke up before her senior year in high school) and just got back together her senior year in college. (she won’t graduate this year though since she missed this semester – but hey). 

Money…

Simple concepts pay bills on time, keep a budget, save money and when medical issues overrun your life file for bankruptcy.  I think I am drawing near.  My bills are more than I can pay and I make damned good money, but the last year is depleting what little resources I have.  I don’t want to deplete my retirement because my 401k is pretty safe.  H asked my mom for a loan today and mom called me to say she didn’t have the $400.  The sad thing is that I know that isn’t true, but she is paying for my brothers 3rd wedding in December and her money will go there no matter what.  Right now I am hurt, furiious, and am felling that maybe it is really is time to say, well Mike means more than anything else right now.  I still have anger (and probably always will) in how my almost 44 year old brother treated dad.  Mom’s money is his so be it.  The decision is made over a measley $400.  I would have had it, but I paid a huge amount of money just getting this surgery going, so I just don’t have it any longer. 

I think the major feeling is sadness.  As the only girl, I only ever asked for money once – when I left Tucson and moved to Maryland.  Mom and dad paid for the move and put the down payment on the apartment.  And no the didn’t ask for me to repay them because I simply didn’t have it then.  They also gave me a roof over my head for two years so that I could get through college.  At that time, I paid for my own daycare, insurance, car payments, credit cards, etc.  I worked my ass off to get my degree and their help was invaluable.  Mom lent me $2000 for a week when I took out my last car loan.  This is the only other time someone in my family has asked for a loan. 

I almost feel as if my mom has died.  She knows that my other brother and I are angry that she won’t make Mike support himself.  He has lived there for almost 7 years and mom has supported eveyrthing but the school loans he has taken out.  He used that money to buy laptops, cars, motorcycles, etc.  Mom has paid every penny to support his two children and my nephew joined the army prior to graduating high school to get away.  I am sad that my brother is going to college, but my nephew will need to put himself in danger in order to have the government pay for his medical bills.  It just plain makes me crazy.

In my anger and sadness, I am NOT going to my own brothers wedding in December.  When everyone asks, I can honesty say that my daughter takes priority over a damned 3rd wedding.  I almost makes me angry enough to tell his finance that he was married before Kay.  He never told Kay about Sandy and he hasn’t told Diane either.  Why, I have no friggin’ clue.  She was a handfull and they were young, but to lie about a part of your life it a litte odd.  No wedding gift, no congratulations, no nothing.  He is dead to me… He helped hurry my dad to his grave but harrassing him and taking ownership of my dad’s stuff so…I am so angry and sad.

I know that I should wait to see.  I have a high likelihood of having uterine cancer right now and I cannot wait for the biopsy.  I have always had the tendency to look at things from the optimistic perspective and do now, but this makes it more difficult. Now I wish I hadn’t told mom because she will call until the biopsy gets back.  She never sent H a card, she did call though.  I just hadn’t even had the time to think about my own delayed biopsy, because H was more important at the time.  Now I have to face it and just wait.  We shall see is all I can say.  In the meantime, I am going back to bowling, Toastmasters, etc.

The good news, if there is a silver lining, is that my Toastmasters Division Contest went flawlessly.  Even Lois stopped me to say this was the best contest she has been at in years.  Coming from Lois, I know that the event was a success.  The humorous contestants outdid themselves.  It could have been the district contest itself – they were so funny.  We were on time, we recognized all of the dignitiares and T and N were flawless.  They were both prepared and awesome.  So, yes, I guess there is a silver lining.

Thoughts about stitching…

I always wondered why I spend hours stitching.  I  have finally realized that the reason is that it blocks out the world for a time.  I brought a hardanger piece because it only has silk perles.  I had forgotten that part of the reason this piece has been a UFO is the fabric is so tight and silk is so slick.  I couldn’t sitch but about one hour a day in the ICU.  I have had time the last two days to make progress once we got into a regular room.  I was so sleepy and watching H sleep made me sleepy, but fingering the fabric and cussing at the silks as they tangled made the time pass so quickly.  The fabric is a very old Colorblooms that I got from the Blended Needle years ago.  I received a bunch of silk pearl from Vicky Clayton that were a perfect match and they just called to me — about 6 years ago.  I left it at work, but found that I work so often during lunch that I lost that stitching time.  I love hardanger, but I do admit to having to grid it because I just cannot see the needle placement like I can when cross stitching.  My eyes want to skip one hole, not 3! 

Right now I have 20 pieces in rotation – including this traditional white hardanger piece.  9 are Teresa Wentzler, 2 are Dimple Designs, 2 are Mirabilia, 3 are Marijolien Bastin the rest are a bit smaller pieces.  Can you tell that I love involvement in a piece.  I am actually crazy enough to be stitching Teresa’s Peacock Tapestry for the second time.  This time for me…me…me…

I just want to get home into my own stitching area and stitch until I fall asleep (maybe two minutes!).

A Better DAY!

DD was moved to a regular room yesterday afternoon.  We put all of our stuff in a cart and off we went to a nice private little room.  No monitors, very little noise and more friends to visit.  She looks better!  Her upper lip is really, really swollen and her hair is a mess, but given what she has been through she looks great.  I even left her at about 10 pm and her dad didn’t come in until 3 am.  Her catheter was removed this morning and she is in heaven.  If her urine output is stabilized she can go home tomorrow.  We have our fingers crossed.

At least in this room I can stitch.  One of us is still staying most of the time, but we have made an agreement to try to sleep more regularly.  I went to the hotel last night at about 10 and had to get up at 4 to go back to KC.  I had to run a Toastmasters Area contest.  Good thing, because several judges didn’t show up (two with a family crisis and who can worry about that – certainly family is more important).  It ended up going quite well, but as the good Toastmasters we are, several of us did double duty!

For me, getting back on a regular sleep schedule is important.  Thursday night when I left the ICU, I left my cell phone.  My friend called and Dave answered the phone.  I realized as I turned into the hotel, but really didn’t care.  I took something to sleep and slept from about 6 pm to about 3 am.  It was heaven.  I then stayed with H from then until I left at 10 pm.  Her dad had an appointment in KC and I made him get some sleep before he came back to town.  If I can’t remember my cell – he can’t drive.  End of story.

The tumor was beign.  D sent me a text right before the contest began.  That was additional great news.  The boys say they miss me (and they worked the contest) and the dogs and cats went nuts.  I was only home long enough to print agendas – so not long.  I had beautiful certificates and agendas because I had plenty of time to work on them here!  I saved everything – good thing because I will need them for my contest.  That contest has been planned and scheduled for ages – since early September.  I need only 7 judges and I have 9 and I am not letting a single one go.  I plan to email them all to remind them several days in advance.  I want it to go perfectly!

Day 2 or is it three

I am so confused.  I took something to help me sleep when I left the ICU at 5:30 pm yesterday.  I woke up to spell Dave this morning at 3:30 am.  For the first time since last Monday, I got restful sleep.  H is still in ICU.  They hope to move her to a room today, but it depends on urine output.  As a result of either the tumor or surgery, she is putting out huge amounts of urine, Diabetes Insciptus (I cannot spell it yet) which may or may not be permanent.  They can control it with drugs, but it will be a waiting game.  Then again, we are used to that.  The first afternoon as she came out of surgery was really more than we expected.  She was in a lot of pain, and her face was rather swollen.  D and I stepped out of the room for a good cry, wiped off and went back.  D left at about 4:30 pm Wednesday to get some sleep as did C. , her best friend.  D came back at about 11:30 pm.

While I waited with H, she wanted her iPod.  I went out to the trunk of the car (which is a hell of a walk) and I dropped my keys in the trunk and shut it.  You have to understand that we are about an hour from home.  I called my boss whose husband works at the Chrysler dealer here in St. Joe.  He got a friend who is a locksmith come to get me into the car.  I think that not enough sleep is a killer.  Every time I stepped out of the room or stopped rubbing her, she woke up and her nose started bleeding again.  When she started bleeding, her vitals went haywire!  The ENT had to come in at about midnight and pack her nose.  All 3 doctors have showed up periodically during the day to keep an eye on her.

I came back at about 7 to spell out D and C came to let me sleep at about 11:30.  I took a nap and came back at 3.  We have been able to get her up twice, once to just sit in the chair and the second time to change gowns and give her a sponge bath. The ICU room staff has let someone stay with her at all times.  We have the most private of rooms and even have internet access.  After her bath, I went back for sleep.

She is resting much better and has sleep most of the day.  We are hoping to get into a regular room tomorrow and have the catheter removed, but it depends on her urine output.  And whether her nose has stopped bleeding.  All in all the tumor was huge and was growing up and out of the sella that holds the pituitary gland. The neurosurgeon believes he got almost everything and what is left was so small it should not be a problem in the future and grow back.  Her nose is very bruised and the ENT says he believes he got it straight.  Her lip is a little swollen and she is a bit yellow under the eyes, but she looks 100% better because she is feeling a bit better. 

Yesterday, she was just my baby all over again.  I even told her to “Lay her heady down!”  I haven’t said that since she was a toddler and wouldn’t take a nap!  It has just been so hard to see her in pain and uncomfortable.   She has her Hello Kitty blanket covering her and I still see my baby.  Too be totally honest, this has been the longest few days in my life.  My knee was nothing compared to this! 

The hospital staff has been awesome.  The neurosurgeon is hot and drives a hog.  Who would guess that he drives a Harley to and from work when the weather is good.  H didn’t really mind when he shaved patches of hair.  Of course, the vanity is coming back because she wants scarves to cover it! 

I haven’t done much stitching.  The room is dark most of the time – so I cannot even read, but I have my trusty laptop and have even logged into work both days.  It keeps my mind off of things.  Last night, I didn’t do anything but pet her most of the night.  She really did know when I stopped to get up or go to the bathroom.  Tonight is much easier. Do you all remember when your kids where little and you watched them to make sure they were breathing?  I felt just like that only my baby weighs 105 and is 5 foot 7 now!

Surgery Day – finally

Here I sit in the waiting room.  We arrived at the hospital a litte after 5 am.  Waited unti 5:30 to be moved to the small waiting room for H. to go into surgery.  We checked in first, but didn’t even go back until almost 7 am.  15 minutes later her dad and I went back with her.  The neurosurgeon came in in his jeans and warmed his hands since he drove in on his Harley and it was chilly this morning.  H shaved her head so her hair was only about a quarter of an inch long, but he shaved several patches to the scalp in order to attach little metal pieces in about 8 places.  He told us about his part and why he added those before the MRI. Apparently the MRI sees them and it allows him a 3-D picture of her head that is displayed on a computer during surgery.  It was about 8:45 when she finally went into surgery (we know because of a tracking system like an airport terminal – we can follow her number).  They just called me an hour into what can be 3 or 5 hours of surgery to say things were going well. 

I didn’t sleep Monday, so I slept sort of okay last night.  Her dad, H, and her best friend C. only slept about an hour.  For H I suppose that was good.  D and C are at Borders right now.  I don’t think that either of them realized how long this was going to take.  C is buying a book and D is buying a DVD.  I was smart and brought my nice cute new iPod Nano (3rd generation) and watched one TV program already.

I went to work yesterday and was almost half asleep most of the day, but I didn’t schedule any meetings so I worked on models and closing projects.  Then a crisis came up that took about an hour and half (for someone elses project, but the VP called me because he knew something woud get done).  I am glad I worked because it kept me busy!

I just want this to be over!  I am getting calls all over the place and I really can’t say much of anything right now.